What am I doing here?
I’ve always wanted to write a book, but never this book.
It happened quite suddenly one September day in 2019. Trevor, my highly capable, wonderfully funny husband of seventeen years began experiencing crippling panic attacks that led to a deep, debilitating depression and what became the beginning of an intense struggle with his mental health. Our happy family was plunged into darkness, surrounded by uncertainty and fear. I abruptly found myself acting as his caretaker as well as functioning as a single parent to our three children. Together we were all grappling for stability in the wake of these tumultuous realities when a new shadow settled over the world with the emergence of the pandemic. The darkness was heavier still and hope seemed a distant memory. By the grace of God we are still here, but it doesn’t mean the darkness isn’t hovering nearby or that shadows don’t dull our world with the cycles of mental health struggles even now.
We share our story not from the “happy ending” but in the midst of our healing and our suffering. Though they can be wonderfully encouraging, we’ve enough stories where someone points to their scar to share their pain. We need those stories, but they aren’t the only ones worth telling or listening to. Too many people have bleeding wounds to converse about these subjects as if it is always in the past. And care and empathy for a scar is too little too late sometimes.
Let me be honest. Just a few weeks ago Trevor was in the trenches of depression again. It was so bad we had to consider hospitalization. So, believe me when I say that what we share is raw and fresh. Perhaps it is even foolish, but I also believe it is prudent. And so, I find myself attempting to publish a book I would never have chosen to write because no one ever wants such stories as inspiration. I don’t know how our story ends, but I know I am not the only one who needs our stories. Heck, I probably need to tell these stories more than you need to hear them, but I offer them none-the-less.
What I intend to share here on these social media platforms is an extension of what I have earmarked to end up as a book, an eclectic assortment of the things surrounding our journey through the darkness, souvenirs in the form of poetry, pictures, artwork, and reflections. May you find them as meaningful as I did in telling them.
